when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize