it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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