I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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