My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
