When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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