im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
