Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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