there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize