The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
