Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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