Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize