I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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