I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize