I bet he comes in French.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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