he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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