I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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