before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
