I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
