what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
