you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We need a shit load of segways right now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
