So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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