It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
