Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
