You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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