I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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