I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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