If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
