OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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