you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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