I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
