Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
