If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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