You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
