i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
