Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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