One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
