screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
