He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
