I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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