If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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