You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
