so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
