Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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