Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
