I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wear drunk well.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
