She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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