I cannot find my penis.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
