I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
