i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she peed on how many people?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
