Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
