he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
