these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
