My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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