Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
