I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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