life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
