"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
