Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
