Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
