ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
