Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
