I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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