Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
