the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
