I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
