Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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