I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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